Increase the life of your carpets by rolling them up and keeping them in the garage.

There was a magician on a ship. He went through his tricks all day. Then the captain's parrot always told the audience what really made the tricks happen.

"He's using a different hat"

"There's a hole in the table" the parrot would say.

The magician always got mad but couldn't do anything, after all it was the captain's parrot.

Then the ship ...Read more

-- I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

-- A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

-- I went to a ...Read more

A lady who was very lonesome bought a parrot from a pet store, complete with cage. Before purchasing it she got a guarantee that the parrot would talk.She took the parrot home.

In a week and a half she returned to the store very disappointed. "The parrot doesn't talk."

"Did you buy a mirror?"

"No."

"Every parrot needs a mirror. "

So she ...Read more

A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town.

To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.

He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. "Who's the boss ...Read more

Why don't cats play poker in the jungle?

Too many cheetahs.

Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like. The first vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."

The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."

The waitress turns to the third vampire ...Read more

- When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".

- When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.

- When your wife says "If you don't turn off that darn machine and come to bed,then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.

- When you are reading a book ...Read more

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day.

Teach him to use the Internet, and he won't bother you for weeks!

Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, who was a tub of cottage cheese, says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here."

One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not? We're cultured individuals."

This is from the Jokes newsletter, which includes a PM edition of jokes from late night shows.

entertainment/humor/jokes/s-45435">Read more

What do giraffes have that no other animal has?
Baby giraffes.

Two cows were in a field. One cow says, "Mooooo." The other says, "Jerk. I was going to say that."

Did you hear about the burned down tree?
It was ash.

What do you get when you cross a ghost and a the letter K?
A book.

Did you hear about the imaginary tree?
...Read more

Some "Senior" personal ads seen in Florida and Arizona newspapers:

FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim,5'-4" (used to be 5-6), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including ...Read more

Fellow 1 : "Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that, too."

Fellow 2 : "Wow, that's Incredible. How did he know all of that?"

Fellow 1 : "A judge told him."

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And ...Read more